Performance issues- tips, tricks and advice

Sex can bring a lot of pleasure. It can relax us, give us a hit of happy hormones and brings us closer to loved ones. But for some men (and women), it can cause a lot of stress and anxiety. One of the greatest anxiety triggers for men are sexual performance issues. This can include an array of problems such as ejaculating too quickly or not at all and having trouble getting or maintaining an erection. While I am not a medical professional and I strongly encourage you to seek professional help, I do have a fair bit of first hand experience and hopefully I can give you some helpful tips in this blog post.

What is normal?

Many of us have unfortunately gained our understanding of what a ‘normal’ performance should look like from porn. As I’m sure you’re all aware, the acts you see in porn is absolutely not representative of how the majority of men perform. The spectrum of performance in reality is so vast. I have had experiences that last less than two minutes and some that last over an hour. I’ve had some men who cannot get an erection with women, even though they have no problem masturbating at home. Some never quite fully get hard and many can, yet have trouble staying that way. All of these situations are very common so if you fit one of these, you are normal and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

A lot of men feel like they are letting their partner down by their lack of performance. But a lot of what you see in porn isn’t even pleasurable for women- it’s just acting. I would take whatever you’re watching with a grain of salt.

Some of the best sexual experiences I have had have been with men who fit one of these ‘imperfect’ categories. Why? Because over 80% of women can’t orgasm from intercourse. Most of our pleasure comes from clitoral stimulation, or from stimulating the G spot, both of which can be difficult to target during intercourse. Generally I have found that men who are aware of their performance challenges will put more effort into foreplay. So, if you’re worried about ‘letting her down’, then you should just be getting down!

Women can also feel let down in these situations, like we have done something wrong or are unattractive to you. It’s always nice to reassure her that it’s not her fault. Avoid getting frustrated and angry. At least try to enjoy being in each others company, because negativity will only make things worse. It’ll make you even less likely to perform and make her feel uncomfortable. The clip below from the Inbetweeners for an example of what not to do (it’s also hilarious).

Reasons for Performance Issues

While sexual performance issues are perfectly normal and can still result in a great sex life, I can understand the frustration it can cause. There are so many systems required to work together to make an erection happen- cardiovascular, psychological, endocrine and neurological just to name a few. These underlying issues can be vastly different for everybody, therefore it’s helpful to try to understand what could be causing yours.

Physical / Endocrine Problems

Firstly, let’s talk about physical problems. It’s normal for sexual function to decline as we age. Our hormone levels decline, as well as an increase in age related health problems like cardiovascular disease. From my personal experience, I’ve found that men who eat healthy and exercise almost daily seem to maintain their performance even as they age. Sex is a pretty physical activity so having good fitness levels makes a huge difference in stamina. On the contrary I find that heavy smokers, drug users and drinkers fare the worst at age related problems, which I guess isn’t that surprising.

The penis comprises of important arterial networks that require adequate blood flow to create and maintain an erection. It’s good to visit your doctor and get your cholesterol and blood pressure checked and get these potential underlying issues ruled out first. Plus all of this (eating healthy, increasing fitness, checking in with your doctor- things that men generally suck at) will improve your life overall anyway, so improving your sex life is a good motivator to get healthy!

Certain medications can cause an imbalance of hormones or affect your cardiovascular system. Antidepressants such as SSRIs are a commonly prescribed medication that can affect your ability to perform, as well as some heart medications. Talk to your doctor about these concerns and they may be able to find you an alternative.

Psychological Problems

There’s not much use in having a good plumbing system if your pump doesn’t work. As I’m sure you’re all aware, there still needs a psychological component to trigger the physical systems in order to have sex. Again, there can be so many psychological reasons that could cause this and I would highly recommend seeing a sex therapist to figure out exactly what is causing yours.

The most common psychological problem I encounter is anxiety. This can have a snowballing affect because the thought of performing can cause the anxiety, which then causes performance issues etc. A justifiable cause of anxiety is that none of us really know what the fuck we are doing when it comes to sex. It’s not like we are taught how to do it. We just kind of figure it out on our own, and often women are taught (from porn) to fake pleasure which makes it even harder to figure out if what we are doing is right. It makes sense why we can be nervous as heck!

I find that a lot of men who masturbate to porn regularly can have problems ejaculating. This is because they are overstimulated and have become conditioned to orgasming in very certain circumstances (with their hand, to hardcore porn etc). Their tolerances are usually so built up that they require extreme sexual arousal to orgasm. When it comes to being with a real human being, suddenly our brain is like ‘this isn’t how we orgasm’ and just doesn’t know how to react.

Lots of men actually visit sex workers to help tackle these problems. A lot of anxiety issues can be helped by just having more sex and becoming more confident with what you are doing. A good sex worker will be non judgemental and have experience in all types of sexual experiences, so it’s a safe space to learn or build confidence. We are also more likely to be honest and give feedback because of the nature of how we communicate. Also it can combat the porn issue by providing another outlet for when you’re horny- albeit a bit more expensive, but worth it (yes, I am biased)!

Hopefully this has helped figure out some of the causes for your performance issues and understanding that you can still have a great sex life regardless. Again, I am not any sort of medical professional, so I would highly recommend seeking one to personalise a strategy for your concerns.