It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog. It’s actually been a tumultuous few months for me. In case you don’t know, I have just turned 30 and this has set off a bit of self realisation. I have no real paranoia about ageing in terms of the biological factors. I don’t really care about growing wrinkles, grey hair and getting all loose and floppy (I know I’m still a while away from that, but still). I have also never had a strong desire to have children, so I’m not worried about my clock ticking either.
The problem is- I have a persistent voice in my head telling me that I should be doing so much more with my life, and this has been getting stronger as I approached this new milestone of being 30. I have always been an ambitious yet open minded person but I didn’t really expect my life to end up where it is now. What I thought I would enjoy as a career turned out to be something that brought me severe anxiety, depression and my whole life outlook crumbled in front of me during my 20’s. I was a high achieving student who was set on a clear pathway to become an engineer. I was always confident and positive about my future. I got my first choice of university and ended with a platter of graduate offers from high profile companies to choose from. Lucky me? The problem is, once I achieved the ‘offer of my dreams’ whether it be a university or job, the reality of studying the degree and working for the companies were never as expected. I absolutely dreaded going to work and have some periods of very severe depression through my 20’s. I actually wrote a blog about my experiences working in corporate and the decision to leave it and become an escort here.
Working as an escort has been a very empowering decision. It has of course lost me a lot of respect and caused hardship from judgemental people along the way. I guess the upside to this is it has taught me to care less about what people think about me- to really hone in on what makes me happy, not what others expect from me (something I used to struggle with a lot).
Taking a break from my career during my late 20’s gave me some time to really reflect on my life and what I actually find value and success in. Success is such an interesting concept that I contemplated a lot during my 20’s. There is a very narrow minded approach to what society teaches us about it. During school, we are taught that success is about getting perfect grades. Then it’s about getting into a course like medicine, law or engineering at a prestigious university and then getting a job at a large firm. Then it’s about climbing to the top, no matter what it takes. I disagree.
Success is so subjective and I believe it’s about finding something that gives you meaning in life. That makes you feel like you’re making an impact. Humans need a sense purpose to thrive. For some, this could mean growing a happy family. For others, it could be running a restaurant for people to share special moments over a meal. For some, it absolutely could be climbing the ranks in a large company.
There are so many aspects to escorting I love. I love the variety of people I meet. The fact that no day is ever the same. I thrive on the spontaneity. Of course, I also appreciate the financial security it provides and flexibility it allowed to me work on skills that provide me a lot of joy (photography, music etc). Most importantly, I felt like I was making an impact. I helped some of my clients through some vulnerable moments and I do believe that I have made a positive impact on many of the people I’ve met through this industry. That makes me feel so uplifted. I am very privileged and grateful to have found this industry and all the positive aspects of it. Of course like any job, I absolutely have my bad days but overall, I have been treated with a lot of respect and I genuinely do enjoy the work.
While I was comfortable in this work, but I was still lacking some sense of achievement. All of my friends from university were getting promoted. Some were managers, others already senior engineers. A couple were working on big projects overseas. Seeing their growth in their careers made me feel insecure. What was I doing as an escort? Sure, I was happy and comfortable but as an ambitious person, I envied their progression in life. I felt like mine was stuck on hold. This inevitably caused me to fall into a depressive episode again.
I considered getting back into the professional industry again, hoping this would fill that void in my life. I applied for a couple of engineering companies and even got to the final interview for one. But that day I went into the office and it almost felt like the reality was setting in and I got cold feet. They showed me the type work I would be doing and I felt a lump in my throat. I felt so much dread about the reality of starting work here. I also thrive on working with people, but this job would be very computer based and I knew that I would suffer. I knew I really would just have to let the engineering idea go and try something else.
Ironically, during that same week I met up with a good friend of mine for a drink and it’s almost like a sign was dropped from the sky. My mother passed away many years ago, but I felt a strong sense that this was a guidance from her. Whether you believe in this stuff or not, I did feel like someone was looking out for me during this darker time of my life. This friend owned a popular bar and was candidly telling me about how he just paid a huge amount of money on photography and the shots were terrible. He knew I was a photographer and asked if I could re do the shots for him. This was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. I have always done photography as a pretty serious hobby, to journal my travel adventures but I didn’t really think there was a possibility to make a living from it. I have always had a natural skill for art and photography (one I certainly didn’t have for engineering!). But I was under the assumption that photographers couldn’t really make a living out of it. But we are living in the day of social media where great photos are EVERYTHING. After hearing about this experience from my client and how much he paid the photographer for terrible work, I thought- damn, I could try this. And if it doesn’t work out- what is there to lose? I still have Jasmine and an engineering career to fall back on.
In this same week, another friend of mine who manages a lot of corporate events was having similar problems. He was often hiring event photographers, yet they were taking terrible photos for a lot of money. He so happened to be telling me about this and having seen my work previously, asked if I would ever doing event photography. Again, I had never really considered it but I was more than happy to do it. I think I was so stuck in a mindset that a career should be something serious in an office or environment and that photography should just be a hobby. I had this internal stigma that doing something I enjoy as a career was a waste of my degree. But here I am working as an escort, absolutely not using my degree and thriving.
My mindset is now changing and I have started to pivot my career into something more meaningful. Of course, I won’t be leaving Jasmine anytime soon, but I will be finding more of a balance.
I appreciate you reading this post about what’s going on in my little life the past few months and I hope that sharing of my journey can maybe even provide a bit of guidance for you as well.
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Glad you have found happiness in doing what you love that being photography. Can’t wait till I get to meet you in person xxx
Love the update and happy for you… you are a great person and you will achieve whatever you plan to achieve.
I am overjoyed that you have found a remarkable balance in your life given that you share such great joy with all you meet. I love reading your blogs that are deserving of a Miles Franklin Award. The 2 friends that have supported you are very much award of the value you have for all humanity.
Gareth