This is a bit of a weird blog. It’s not sex work related at all, but I thought you might be interested in hearing some other parts of my life. Mix it up a bit. I had actually forgotten about this incident until I dug up the picture above that was taken a year ago. I was about to photoshop my stomach in a little for my photography page on Instagram. But I decided not to since it inspired me to tell a story.
Last year I signed up to a personal trainer for the first time. I had a goal of wanting to develop more muscle tone. I have a history of eating disorders and while I consider myself recovered, I still prefer be careful about avoiding certain triggers. It’s been a long road to get to where I am now and I definitely don’t want to go back!
I told my personal trainer about my history and that I I’d like to avoid talking about weight and instead focus on maintaining a nice figure at a healthy weight. Despite being at my heaviest, for the first time in my life I was actually happy with my body. I no longer had a skeletal figure and my face no longer gaunt. I was full of energy and menstruating (which I hadn’t done for many years of my life). Obsessing over keeping my weight below a certain number was a thing of the past. By no longer wasting so much time and energy on ‘feeding’ my eating disorder, I felt freed up to focus on other areas of my life.
Despite this request, my personal trainer would make comments about my weight. He recommended some weight loss supplements for me to try and recommended a stricter diet. I admit to putting on a few lockdown kilos, but I hadn’t thought it to be an issue. I was already a bit underweight to begin with and my latest medical checkup was the best I’ve ever had. But doubt started flooding my mind. I bought the weight loss supplements that evening, as well as a set of scales (a trigger which I had banned myself from owning for many years) and began a strict diet. My housemate at the time had a medical background and noticed the supplements. He was concerned. They’re terrible for your heart and given my family history of arrhythmia, could potentially be fatal. I was conflicted about taking them. I desperately wanted to lose weight, but I ended up siding with my rational brain and threw them away.
A week later at my next training session, my trainer asked me how the supplements were going. I told him I bought them but decided not to take them because of what my housemate said. He then prodded my love handles and cellulite and said ‘well, what are you going to do about this?’ A wave of shame washed over me. The self loathing all started flooding back and my imperfections were all I could focus on when I looked in the mirror.
I always believed in doing things the natural way- with exercise and hard work, but I was desperate to fix these insecurities. The instability of my mind was probably exacerbated by the pandemic. I made an appointment at a body sculpting clinic. I never ended up proceeding after the initial consultation, simply(and ironically) because I didn’t have enough fat to get rid of for the machines to work. There was only one thing I needed to get rid of and it wasn’t a part of my body.
I sent my trainer a message that night and quit.
It’s crazy to think how much of an impact one person can have. I look back at that photo and I see a very healthy looking girl. I feel upset with myself for even having such hateful thoughts towards my body. A body that had forgiven me for starving it for many years. We really are our own worst enemy, eh? And maybe in my case, my trainer…
This post wasn’t intended to be an attention or sympathy seeking one. I don’t have any resentment towards my trainer, or anyone who brings me down for that matter. Insecure people generally want others to bathe in their insecurities with them. Life’s too short for that.
While I do have fleeting moments of self doubt, I’m grateful to have a positive network of people around me who make me feel amazing. Including those that I’ve found in this industry. These days my focus is on nourishing my body (and mind), which is awesome because I bloody love food. Even if that means keeping certain people out of my life.
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1 thought on “Eating Disorder Story: I Was Told To Take Fat Burning Pills!”
Jas, Your a darn virgo. ..Me im a crab ..You are perfect.A darling..100% .I adore you. Do your sport you look wow ..Im up north .Have some land on the market..Hope it sells..You kept in contact the torrid time we went thru..Know i care and think how lovely you are.Bye Ray Scafidi.mission beach