Funny Stories #2

Apologies for the incredibly long hiatus. This blog was something that I started during covid because I had so much spare time during lockdown. Now that life is back in full swing, I don’t have as much time to dedicate to writing as I’d like to. I’ll still write a post every now and then, because I love sharing my weird and whacky life as a sex worker- and I know many of you love reading them just as much.

I wrote a ‘funny client stories’ post a little while ago, and it’s by far had the best response. So here are some more stories. Again, all stories are true, but some details have been modified to protect privacy of both myself and clients.

WRONG GUY!

Meeting a client for the first time, when you have NO idea what he looks like is always awkward. Lingering around the lobby, exchanging curious looks with men until someone (hopefully the right one) cues you over.

This one time, I was waiting in the lobby for a client. He had described himself as mid 40’s, bit of a dad bod with short brown hair. Great- that narrows it down to about half the male population. I noticed a man of this description who also looked like he was waiting for someone. That’s usually a good sign. I walked up and said ‘hey, you’re expecting me?’ He nodded. ‘Cool, this way,’ I said as he followed me up the elevator.

‘Had a busy day today?’ I asked.

‘Oh a few jobs, but this is my last for the day,’ he said.

‘Aren’t I the one working here?’ I joked back. He didn’t seem to get the joke. That’s when I started to panic.

‘Hang on- who are you here for?’ I asked.

‘I was here to fix the IT issues. Aren’t you the receptionist?’ He replied back.

My face turned bright red. ‘Oh my god- no! I’m an escort. I thought you were my client!’

We both burst out laughing. We went back down the elevator. As we walked out, I jokingly said ‘if you change your mind, I’m free in an hour’. He chuckled as he walked out and found the actual receptionist who he’d been waiting for.

'House keeping'

I had gone for a weekend away to one of those fancy couples retreats with a good client of mine. It was a very lovely, peaceful place that attracts lots of older, wealthier couples.

We woke up early one morning at around 7:30am to go to breakfast. The client I was seeing had bought me a butt vibrator, which we had been experimenting with the night before. I hadn’t really used one before so we had used a TON of lube. As we walked out to go to breakfast, I eyed the slimy vibrator on top of the bed. It looked pretty gross and I considered washing it, but decided just to deal with it after breakfast.

We came back to our room, and as I opened the door and my face went pale white. Housekeeping had already come! I ran over to the bed, and sure enough, they had made the bed and very neatly placed my gross, slimy vibrator on the bedside table, along with a bottle of water and chocolates. I really hope they were wearing gloves. I’m sure housekeeping see all sorts of weird and wonderful things, but I still felt super embarrassed none-the-less. I did make sure to leave a generous tip the following day.

Master Negotiator

I began my journey into this world on a website (I’m sure many of you know) called ‘Seeking Arrangement’. While it’s supposed to be a dating site, a lot of people still use it to exchange money and sex. However there are no set prices and services so neither party really know what they’re getting until they have a conversation (which is one of the main reasons I left- I hate ambiguity).

Anyway, I had arranged to meet a guy on there who had offered to pay $600 for about an hour of ‘fun’. I was totally new to the website so wasn’t really sure what the going rates were, but it sounded alright. He asked me for my address, but I told him I can’t use my place because that seemed like a huge breach of safety. Plus I was a student living in shared accomodation and I don’t think my housemates would appreciate me inviting a strange man over.

He said that most girls provide a place (a lie) and said he could book a hotel but would take the cost of the hotel out of the $600 he was going to pay me. So he would be paying me $500. At the time, it made sense so I still agreed.

He sent me an address. Upon typing it into Google Maps, I noticed it was actually a residential address, not a hotel. Maybe he hired an Airbnb? When I arrived he told me that his in-laws were away in China and that they had given him the key to check up on the house (watering plants, checking mail etc) while they were away. I don’t think having sex with sugar babes was part of the agreement!

We fooled around in the bed for a while, but he had a lot of trouble getting an erection. He had mentioned something at the start of the date that he had forgotten to bring viagra- so it was an issue he had known about. I was absolutely exhausted trying to make him finish (which he didn’t). FYI- I am very empathetic towards men with erectile dysfunction. This is more common than most people think and there is absolutely not shame in having them. Most women get the most pleasure out of foreplay anyway, so it doesn’t at all detract from the experience for us. But sometimes it can bring upon feelings of failure or self doubt for us. Even though it wasn’t my fault, I still felt a bit bad.

After over two hours (well over the time we’d agreed on), I told him I needed to go home because I had assignments I needed to do. He walked me out to the car and I asked for the money. He handed me $400. I said ‘didn’t we agree on $600? You didn’t need to book a hotel in the end and even then, you’re still short of $100.’

He said abruptly ‘well you’ll have to work a lot harder than that.’

My stomach dropped. I honestly didn’t know what to say. I know that wasn’t true but I honestly couldn’t be bothered arguing. I just took the money and drove home.

Despite what happened, he wanted to continue seeing me weekly. I honestly didn’t care to see him again, but he persisted. I confronted him about the money issue and I explained that if we are doing less money, then I can’t stay as long. He agreed.

After about a month of seeing this guy, I had noticed that sometimes he would often ‘miscount’ the money- but always less than the agreed value. I decided that this guy was too dishonest and was not worth seeing anymore. On our last date, I casually mentioned to him that I was looking to buy a new car. He seemed happy for me and offered to come along with me to the car yards. He told me he was an excellent negotiator. I couldn’t help but laugh and told him, ‘Your style of negotiating is walking into a dealership, right up to the salesman for a car that’s worth $30,000 and write him out a cheque for $25,000? No thanks- I think I’ll go by myself.’ That was the last time I saw him.