An an escort, I’ve met a lot of men over the years who cheat. In fact, I’d say more than 50% of my clients are in some sort of a relationship while seeing me. Of course, women cheat as well, but as my experience is with men I can’t comment on my reasons for this. Through many conversations over the years, I’ve understood some of the main reasons why men cheat and I am going to explain them in this blog.
The obvious first question is- do I feel guilty for providing a service that allows men to cheat? As someone who has been cheated on and have felt the hurt and betrayal that comes with it. I can empathise with the feelings of the other parter. Of course- during that time, I blamed myself. I loathed him. I drank bottles of wine every night just to ease the feelings of hurt. Why would he do this to me? But then I realised- it wasn’t because I wasn’t pretty enough for him, or smart enough or gave him enough sex. I also realised that I am not the only person who has experienced this type of relationship. I realised the problem wasn’t me. Or him. But the way our society is built to directly contradict the notion of human biology.
Why aren't Wired For Monogamy
Firstly- Humans aren’t monogamous. From an evolutionary and biology point of view, humans aren’t actually wired to stay with one partner for life. But then we kind of are at the same time. Let me explain!
Our closest primate relative is the chimpanzee, sharing 99% of our DNA- and they root like rabbits! So do our other little primate cousins- the gorilla and bonobo. Of course, while we share a similar DNA, humans are a fair bit evolved. In nature, there is this constant drive for genetic diversity, to help the species thrive and to prevent genetic diseases (you’ve probably heard of inbreeding). But as humans evolved, monogamy actually became quite important for us to thrive and evolve the way we did. The difference between humans and chimps is that our babies brains are much bigger but also requires a lot more development (chimps are fully independent at 4 years, but humans are much longer than that). Human babies are pretty useless at birth when you compare to other animals like horses, that can run within hours after birth. This is another tradeoff that helped humans evolve to have bigger brains and more complex neuron structures, but it also meant our young require a lot more care in order to reach maturity.
Humans that had two parents looking after a child had a much greater chance at survival and hence this is why monogamy became more prominent. But we are always fighting this biological urge, rooted in our brains.
The Sex Gap
There is often a discrepancy between how much each person in a couple wants to have sex. Men, on average, do have greater sex drives than women. I know a lot of people will argue and disagree with this, there is too much evidence to suggest otherwise. Firstly, my entire industry exists because men have greater sex drives than women. If you look on an escort website, there is usually a handful of male escorts and generally they won’t get enough bookings to make a full time living out of it, yet HUNDREDS of female escorts and a lot of them are able to do this work full time.
This also makes sense from an evolutionary point of view (sorry about all the science, but it’s my background).
From this perspective, men’s reproductive strategy favours quantity over quality, meaning they benefit from seeking out multiple partners to spread their genes. Women, on the other hand, invest more in pregnancy and child-rearing, so their sexual behaviour is more selective. Technically, a man’s reproductive contribution to evolution is over in about 10 minutes (sometimes less 
). For a woman, she has to carry a baby for 9 months, while ensuring she has enough resources to grow it. THEN she has to breastfeed it and look after the baby for over a decade. Of course, fathers play a crucial role in raising a child, this but a mother is a life support, so women who are able to ‘switch off’ their sexual desires and focus solely on keeping this child alive had a greater evolutionary advantage. This is why hormone fluctuations affect women much more than men, especially after child birth.
Another reason why women, on average, don’t want as much sex is because our genitals aren’t wired to orgasm in the same way men’s are. I still remember the first time I had sex and I was confused as to why it didn’t feel as good as I thought it would. In fact, it actually hurt. And this isn’t uncommon for women.
Again coming back to evolution, it doesn’t matter if a female orgasms. Men’s orgasms are closely linked to ejaculation, which is necessary for reproduction. Women’s orgasms, while nice, are not required for conception, so evolution hasn’t prioritised them in the same way. This is why 95% of men orgasm during sex but only 65% of women do. And only 15% of women can orgasm from penetration alone. To make things more complicated, porn also misleads us into what women actually enjoy and can make her orgasm. We are a bit complicated and it requires a lot more learning to achieve orgasm but because so many women aren’t getting much (if any) pleasure out of sex, they stop wanting it.
Since men still have these urges, they look elsewhere.
Can Buying Sex Save a Marriage?
There are a few types of reasons men cheat in a relationship:
- They are emotionally happy in the marriage but aren’t getting enough sex or the variety of sex they want
- They aren’t emotionally happy (usually this also means they’re not physically happy) but are just staying in the marriage because its easy or familiar
Realistically, if everything is perfect about a relationship and the only thing missing is the sex, buying it to fill that gap is a really simple solution. There’s a common societal belief that if someone wants to have sex somewhere else, then they should end the relationship. Theoretically, I know that sounds like the right thing to do and I know this is controversial but I don’t actually think that’s the best solution. Buying an hour of sex every now and again causes far less complicated and traumatic outcome than the stress that comes with a divorce or a broken family.
You might say, well maybe try a sex counsellor? Trying to fix the sex in a marriage doesn’t always work. Again, we’re fighting biology almost no relationship has a similar libido level. Sex counselling only really works in a handful of cases and if the reason for not wanting sex is due to things like hormones or medication, therapy won’t fix this. From my experience, there is actually a level of respect in filling that cup elsewhere rather than pressuring your partner into having sex when they just don’t want it. I’ve personally been in times of my life where my sex drive has switched off due to medication or mental health (anxiety, depression etc) and while we ‘should’ expect our partner to understand this and abstain, I also don’t think it’s fair to completely shut down their desires completely.
Final Thoughts
Do I feel bad for providing men with a service that allows them to cheat, despite having felt the hurt of being cheated on myself? As we saw in this blog, the answer is complicated. I don’t feel bad providing this service, because I believe that if someone is going to cheat, they will do it anyway- and at least it’s the most respectful option with the least complications. Also there is a low risk of STDs (sex workers require frequent tests by law and condom use) so there is less risk to the partner rather than other forms of cheating or affairs. Of course I feel empathy for the betrayal the other partner. My time as a sex worker has given me a different perspective on love/sex and how they aren’t actually mutually exclusive. Just because your partner cheats it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love that relationship.
An an escort, I’ve met a lot of men over the years who cheat. In fact, I’d say more than 50% of …
Deposits are a pretty standard procedure for booking sex workers. You may be (understandably) cautious about handing money to someone over the …
It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog. It’s actually been a tumultuous few months for me. In case you don’t …
When I entered the world of escorting, something I was not prepared for was how acceptable, or even encouraged it was to …
Despite the array of online apps, dating in the digital age is harder than ever. You only have a few seconds to …
Finding the right amount of time to spend with an escort can be a challenge. You don’t want the experience to feel …